Lesson #1: What to bring to a Bluegrass Festival

You're probably thinking...."Banjo!" or "The biggest belt buckle I can find!" or "Jug of moonshine!". All these are useful items, but the most important thing to take to a bluegrass (or Blooo-gie!) festival is an enormous motorhome with a full awning, deck and patio set.

This van was flying the international flags of Bluegrass. Note the McDonald's is mounted upside down, and the Budweiser is rightside up. This is the opposite of how the ceremonial flags are usually flown above Parliament Hill in Ottawa.

Lesson #2 - The Patrons

Bluegrass festival goers generally age from about 55 to 75, and then there are the dirty hippie tenters. The seniors sip light beer from foam cozies all day, while the youngsters suck back regular strength beer. At night drunk people of all ages wander around the campground and stumble upon brilliant campfire jams. Or lantern jams if you're in Coombs.

Lesson #3 - The Bands

It is International Law that a bluegrass band must have a minimum of an upright bass, a banjo, a guitar, and at least one of the following: mandolin, dobro or fiddle. Keyboards, harmonica, horns or percussion of any kind except for foot-stompin' are strictly prohibited. The banjo player is always really skinny and never says anything on stage.

Lesson #4 - The Stage

The stage at a bluegrass festival is very simple - one very expensive microphone in the middle, connected to the PA system. When a picker is tired of grinnin' and wants to get his solo-on, he steps closer to the mike and is therefore louder. When he is done pluckin' & shuckin' he steps back to the edge. The live sound quality is actually very good.

Lesson #5 - The Lyrics

Bluegrass lyrics are composed of any combination of the following subjects: sorrow, tears, heartache, cheatin', cryin', lonesomeness, seas of sorrow, whiskey, and floating away on various bodies of watery sorrow. Basically the same subject matter as country music, but less emphasis on cattle and gonorrhea.

Lesson #5 - The Music

You don't have to be a disciple of Mullins or a hillbilly (although it helps) to get your groove on to some good ole-time bluegrass. Unfortunately it is true that there are a lot of bands that play slow and dreary bluegrass ballads (like the infarmous WalMart Greeters Geriatric Orchestra in Coombs), which is not much different than whiny country music. There's senior citizen Sittin' Down bluegrass, and then there's the shit-kickin, floor-stompin', hats flying off and YEE-HAWing bluegrass that we are discussing in this article. The slow sets are a good excuse to go back to the campsite to replenish your beer supply.

FESTIVALS

There are two Blooogie Festivals on Vancouver Island each summer - Sooke River in mid-June, and Coombs on the August long weekend.
Following is a comparison chart for all aspiring interbong technicians who might one day venture outdoors and see such a sight in person:

Festival:	Coombs	Sooke River
Location:	Coombs, BC Approx. 2.5 hours north of Victoria.	Sooke, BC Approx 1 hour west of Victoria.
Campground:	All the damn retired people show up 5 days early and take the shady spots for their motorhomes, tenters have to make do with an open field.	All the damn retired people show up 3 days early and take the shady spots for their motorhomes, tenters have to make do with an open field.
Campfires:	Nope.	Yep.
Chance that at any given hour, day or night, someone will be playing a banjo	100%	100%
Goose Shit:	Certified Goose Shit Free	Hope you enjoy goose shit.
Local Attractions:	Goat Roof Store, Stairway to Hemp	Sooke potholes river swimming
Cost:	$45 weekend pass (includes camping)	$25 weekend pass (camping extra)
Bonus Entertainment:	Small children beating each other with inflatable hammers behind grandstand.	Matching wits with the Armband Nazi.
Best Band 2005:	Queens Bluegrass (Van. Island)	Hit & Run Bluegrass (Colorado)
Dancing:	Lots. See video clip below.	Two girls tried to dance for awhile, but I think were thwarted by goose shit.
Beer:	Unofficially allowed pretty much everywhere - sort of a patio thing like a BYOB gardens.	Make use of those cupholders built into the camp chair - pretty casual policy.
Webpage:	Worst festival web page ever. No photos, no maps, no links and no lineup. I offered to redo the whole thing in March, for free, and never heard back. Now we'll just see who gets the most hits for "coombs bluegrass" next year.	www.sookebluegrass.com
Video Clip:

A Trip to Konsum – Swedish Grocery Paradise

A report by Lisa Heedman and Damien Lee, Jokkmokk, Sweden

“At first I thought it was Jabba the Hutt, but then I realized it was just beef liver.” – Damien Lee

On July 4, 2005, Damien and Lisa took some time off work and headed to one of the two local grocery stores in Jokkmokk. Their goal was to come up with three Top-Five lists:

Lisa’s favourite products,
Damien’s favourite products, and
A combined list of disagreeable products.

With the clock running and their official Konsum Coop Cards in-hand, they set out to explore the world of Swedish grocery products.

Lisa’s Top 5 Favourite Products:

Surströmming – Fermented Baltic Herring.

Västerbottensost – A strong cheese, unique for the north of Sweden. It’s made in Burträsk.The people in Burträsk have hair under their feet.



Kryddost – Cheese with spices.

Frukt- och grönsaksdisken – The fruit and vegetable section.

Frysta bär – Frozen berries, nice for smoothies.

Damien’s Top 5 Favourite Products

Godmorgon Apelsin – Orange Juice

Lät Öl and Folk Öl – Light Beer and People’s Beer. In Sweden shoppers can purchase low-alcohol beers at grocery and convenience stores. Light beer is 2.8% and People’s Beer is 3.5%.

Turkisk Yoghurt – Turkish Yogurt. However, the “Grekisk Yoghurt” is a close runner-up.
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Bregott (ecologist) – Spread-good (organic). A butter and margarine mixture.
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Fyll-Upp-Plunta – Full-up-Mickey. Used for flavouring home-brewed alcohol, even though home-brewing is illegal. These Mickeys are half-full with a sweet flavoured syrup. From Strawberry (jordgubb) to the all famous Blue Fish (fiskblå), you can have your choice.

Top 5 Disagreeable Products

Renblod – Reindeer Blood


Ungnötlever – Young Beef Liver


Surströmming – Fermented Baltic Herring


Äggplanta – Eggplant (rotting)

Haricots Verts – Green Beans

Notes of Interest:

In their research, Damien and Lisa came across a less-visited section of the grocery store: the underwear section. Here, shoppers can buy bras and socks, have a choice of both male and female gotch. This raised an important question: Where does one try on these undergarments? Behind the fruit section? Or close to the Reindeer Blood bin?


As they were leaving, Damien came across the “Bags of Joy” section. As this area of Konsum has previously been unexplored, Damien vowed to acquaint himself with the available goodies, which may result in a future report. For now, the Bags of Joy are under scruitiny. Damien and Lisa have also sent several samples of the Bags to the Glurt Studio.



Lisa disclosed her special technique for determining the ripeness of an avocado. Take two avocadoes, one in each hand, and start juggling. Shoppers will be able to judge the softness of these green tasties like never before, or… be thrown out of the grocery store.



Money. Sweden is part of the European Union, but still uses its own currency: the Swedish Kronor. At the time of this report, 1 Canadian Dollar is worth 6.37 Swedish Kronor. . Therefore, one can of Kallax Surströmming costs 50 SEK or $7.85 Canadian.

There is a rival grocery store just across the street from Konsum, called ICA. The people of Jokkmokk are divided for several reasons; the grocery rivalry offers a rail to cling to for siding residents. An exposé report on this issue, and the deeper meaning, to come.

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For further information about Sweden and the strange things Swedes eat, contact Damien.at canadiandamien@yahoo.ca

Commodore Pet FTP Server

This vintage Commodore PET case was discovered in an alleyway behind a laundromat in Waterloo, Ontario....and, with the addition of some Telstar Pong guts, and ancient VCR tuner and a $5 monochrome monitor, was reincarnated to a standalone Pong console which entertained the Casemore brothers for several hours at one of the famous Wilhelm St. parties. After being in storage for 3 years and issuing stern electric shocks to anyone who tried to operate it, the case was shipped out to Glurt Studios this spring and given a new retrofit as a dedicated FTP box.

Mounting the motherboard (Apple 7200) to the Fred Warren custom base.

Attaching the power supply and hard drive (ONE THOUSAND MEGA-bytes of the finest SCSI technology 1995 had to offer!)

Testing with external monitor.

Successful ethernet connection to the InterBong - www.smelder.com

A view of the innards and wires - note huge clamp that holds the monitor shell to the base. Theoretically there is still room to fit one full-size PCI card in the case.

Some crazy video port hacking to create a composite analogue video signal from RGB. The image is rather wobbly, but considering there is NO shielding whatsoever, it's not too bad.

Mac OS 8.1 boot screen....this shitbox will actually run OS9, but using 8.1 allows for use of a software hack so I can still use my Laserwriter printer via network.